I have been at CGA for almost 2 months now, and let me tell you, it’s has been hard. When I first came here I had all of this pain and hurt that I refused to acknowledge. I walked into this place showing everyone this fake smile and facade that I have built for myself. Now God is slowly taking that off one day at a time.
Something that is taught to us is that failing is actually the best thing we can do for ourselves. I absolutely hate to fail so I was not ready for this. A quick side story is that recently I have learned to long board, I know it’s funny. The first couple times I got on the board, my knees were shaking and I was so afraid of falling. I probably took the absolutely longest time to learn, because I was so stunted by my fear of failing. If I felt myself getting off balance even a little bit I would jump off the board to save myself. I made one of my friends hold my hand while I was learning to push and I refused to let go because of the chance that I would face plant. She looked at me and asked, “Rachel why are you so afraid to fail?” That question has stuck with me since she asked it. She then continued to say, “The only way to learn is to fail.” Since then I have been asking myself what does this mean to me?
Since that day I am learning that failing is the only way I am going to move forward in life, and that it is okay. Even writing that sentence is still hard for me, because deep down I still want to tell myself that it isn’t okay to fail, that I must be perfect at all times. I want to be seen as the “fun” one or the girl that has everything together. The truth is that I am struggling with self worth and identity.
CGA is a place where I get to walk through these struggles and insecurities with the Lord, in hopes that one day I will get to walk others through the same things. When I asked God what He is speaking over me right now He said “broken” I laughed as I heard Him say it and then He said, “Rachel you are broken and that is okay.” As tears ran down my face, I allowed God to take over the self protecting walls I had put up. God truly wants to take on my brokenness and walk me through healing.
Even though this season is hard, it is so sweet that the Lord is guiding me through this. Through the struggles is where growth comes from. I am looking at the storm in front of me and I am ready to walk through it. For the first time in my life I can say that I am not okay right now, and that is okay.
